Quick Review: The First Power

Star Rating : ★★★★☆

Time for a bit of good old cheese from the 90's starring old nacho man himself, Lou Diamond Philliphs. I remember seeing this when it came out on video and thinking it was the best movie I had seen since Robo Jox.

The plot (if you can call it that) revolves around the Mayor from Sons of Anarchy running around killing people for his pal,Satan. Lou Diamond Nachoman or Hero Cop as he calls himself, decides enough is enough and captures the bad man. As this is the 90's ,Satan's friend gets the death penalty fairly quick.Unfortunately for Hero Cop ,this is not the end and Satan's buddy comes back as a spooky spirit with the ability to jump realllllly high and possess homeless people. Hero Cop enrols the help of a "Professional Psychic" and much hilarity ensues.

Reasons to See this Movie

Surprisingly good action set pieces.
Lou Diamond Philliphs gets stabbed a few times.
Satan will owe you one for watching his favourite movie of all time.
Lots of jumping.
Culturally insensitive to any one not a white American.
Unintentionally hilarious and makes little to no sense,unless you were the script writer or one of Satan's buddies.

Reasons  Not To See this Movie

It could be a massive scam by the devil to possess you through the TV.
Lou Diamond Philliphs doesn't get stabbed enough.
 You're deathly afraid of nuns talking through doors.
You don't like people jumping through windows instead of using doors.

Should I see This Movie? 

Yes....yes you should.It's a great bit of cheese from the 90's that takes its self very seriously but ends up being very very funny. The acting isn't too bad and some of the chase scenes are worth a watch.The plot is silly and the tacked on ending is one of the funniest things I've seen in years.

So if you're exhausted from beating your wife or the insects crawling under your skin are getting too familiar, grab a beer, sit down and watch a movie that will have absolutely little to no effect on your life and who knows,you might make friends with Satan.

Quick Reviews: Resident Evil:Retribution.

 

Star Rating : ★★★★☆

Another instalment in the derided franchise arrives in cinemas this week.I personally feel that critics are far too harsh on the series as a whole.The movies are made for the fan boys and not as serious contenders for the Oscars. If you didn't like the rest of the movies, you really won't like this one, so stop reading now.

The movie takes off directly from the previous instalment and gives you a bit of a recap of the series.Then,no messing around, straight into the action. The plot follows Alice's (Milla Jovovich) attempt to escape and fight her way through an underground facility filled with mutated zombies and clones. And that's pretty much the whole movie.

Reasons to See this Movie

Some of the action sequences could easily rival any in The Matrix.

The Special Effects and 3D are some of the best I've seen in a while.

If you like mutated zombie Communists,there's plenty of them.

The ending promises a very exciting sequel/end to the series of movies..think World War Z.

Reasons to Not See this Movie

Its a Resident Evil Movie.

The acting and plot are not Oscar grade material.

You are easily offended by the inclusion of mutated zombie Communists in movies.

Should I see This Movie? 

Yes....yes you should. I liked the movie quiet a bit. It's a fun popcorn action movie that delivers exactly what it promises. I enjoyed it far more than the disappointing Expendables 2 . Its not the perfect movie, but its better than alot of the crap that passes as blockbusters these days. Embrace your inner 15 year old boy and leave the cynicism aside and you should enjoy it too.

 

                            4 out of 5 stars Reviewer:The Mind of Megatron - September 17, 2012

Most Mental Ninja Video Covers from 80's

Ah....the 1980's. A fantastic era where kids were educated by muscle bound, semi-naked, Masters of the Universe and got their kicks from watching transforming robots and gobots kick the shite out of each other. It was a time of being brainwashed into buying toys and making believe that you too could smash the shit out any karate wielding bullies, no matter how big or psychotically dangerous they were. It was also a time when the Ninja ruled video store shelves and Chuck Norris had taken his rightful place as the new Jesus. He even had his own cartoon, which blatantly promoted racial stereotypes and dyslexia (kommandos!). Of course, there was also the obligatory annoying foreign boy that was always getting into trouble (i.e. kidnapped, possibly sodomized and sold into slavery), but who ended up making the bunch of psychopaths laugh at the end of the adventure with a witty racist remark.

 

Chuck's Karate Kommandos are currently under investigation for child endangerment

King of the straight-to-video villains was the ninja. Ninjas were fucking every where in the 80's. In one of the most bizarre scientific experiments of the 80's they even managed to cross breed with turtles; but because of genius public relations by the Ninja Council  in an attempt to disguise their evil plans, they were known as "heroes" in Europe.

 
I was in my pre-teen years in the 80's and, like most other kids in Ireland, I had parents that saw nothing wrong with letting their kids watch what ever they wanted. I SAW THE EVIL DEAD WHEN I WAS 3, FOR FUCKS SAKE. Now I couldn't possess people in a log cabin or turn to melted plasticine when I fucked a book on the fire, but I could throw a balaclava on, jump around like a knob and scale trees (badly). My poor parents probably thought I was practicing for the IRA's gymnastic team. The extremely lax weapon laws in Ireland in the 80's also meant that I could buy Ninja Stars and Nun-chucks from my local sports store. Our primary school's entrance door had so many ninja stars thrown at it, it looked like Wolverine tried to fuck it.



I could be a Ninja and I could get my training from the "5 videos for £5" section at my local video store, who also didn't give a shit about censorship guidelines on videos. I remember seeing I Spit on Your Grave and The Care Bears movie in the same viewing session and 4 year old me didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.

FATALITY: White Ninja wins by stabbing you in the balls while you fart-float in mid air.

For some reason, in the 80's most video producers really believed that "you can't judge a book by its cover"  should apply to movies as well. This led to some of the most bizarre video covers I can remember seeing. An awful lot of them were Ninja movies. Horror movies stuck to making the covers look like the movie was far gorier and interesting than they actually were. The Ninja Video cover on the other hand...well...they were a law unto themselves.

Check out some of the most mental ones below.

Read The New Dredd 3D Movie Prologue Comic for Free

With the new Dredd 3D movie just around the corner ,Lionsgate have released a free comic detailing the history of the "Big Bad" from the movie,Ma Ma.You can find the print version and the motion comic version below. Its only 16 pages long but nicely lays down the characters troubled history and gives a nice little insight into the films version of Mega City. Really looking forward to this version of the movie.Its being getting very positive pre-views so far and hopefully it will finally do the character the justice he deserves.

Dredd 3D is in cinemas 21st of September.Will have a review up soon.

DREDD MA MA

V/H/S Review

A POV, found footage horror film from the perspective of America's top genre filmmakers. A group of misfits are hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house in the countryside and acquire a rare tape. Upon searching the house, the guys are confronted with a dead body, a hub of old televisions and an endless supply of cryptic footage, each video stranger than the last.